Geek on Stun

Half-Life Too

For some reason, I decided to run through Half-Life this weekend. It was good. Not as good as I remember it being almost six years ago, but since my local fuck-ups couldn't do something as simple as install cable after four appointments and I was itching to play a first-person shooter, it beat out more Quake III ladder progression. And while Valve may suck at security, sticking to release dates, and Web site updates, the original Half-Life still stands up.

Right! I remember why I started playing this old game again. After playing The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker for hours and being completely immersed in the polished fantasy sea world, where you start to feel like a valiant elf-boy who doesn't ever need to save, my beautiful red dragon boat sailed me into the secret black Hell level where the objective is to read the words "Cannot read game disc" until you cry like a little baby. If I didn't have to deal with the worst Nintendo console controller ever when I whip out my Wind Waker, then play the Wind's Requiem, then watch the wind directional change animation for the thousandth time, then pop up my magic sail, then cruise around for five minutes until I drop some fucking fish bait to fill up my sea chart and figure out where the hell I am, it wouldn't be so bad.

But thats what I did. All week, I sailed around, fed the fish and filled up my Sea Chart.

I got my Hearts Chart. I got my Tingle Chart. I got my IN-credible chart, Beedle Chart, Light Ring Chart, Platform Chart, Secret Cave Chart, Treasure Maps, Triforce Maps... ug. Just moving around the world map is painful and you want me to sail about endlessly collecting all this stuff?

Wind manipulation as a precursor to movement is one of those design decisions that probably should have stayed on the white board. It is the one thing preventing me from having actual, consistent fun with this game.

All Hail Tamsoft

Let's give a short round of applause for super publisher D3 and developer Tamsoft for following up the very sexy Love Ping Pong and a the very foxy Love Upper with the very sultry zombie hacking title, The O-Ane-Chan Bara (loosely, the Older Sister Sword Battle).

It just doesn't get much hotter than than busty broads in cowboy hats and bikinis getting drenched in zombie blood. It's like Devil May Cry, but without all that, you know, clothing and stuff. Maybe the naughty librarian type in a latex catsuit thing is more your style, but I'll take a thick layer of liquid corpse flesh on my lady anyday.

This reminds me; why the hell don't I have a Japanese Playstation 2?

Re: Sexy Half-Vampire Nazi Huntress

God, I'm so embarrassed for you:

"Having BloodRayne as one of the premiere 'performers' in MTV2's 'Video Mods' show is a testament to her popularity [sic] and appeal [sic]," said Ken Gold, vice president of Marketing, Majesco. "We are thrilled to see BloodRayne star in a music video and we applaud MTV2's creative blending of entertainment mediums and properties."

And the nine of you:

Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Davis and Michael Madsen have each been cast in the new film, BloodRayne, based on the popular video game of the same name, joining the previously announced Sir Ben Kingsley and "Terminator 3" star Kristanna Loken. BloodRayne is written by Guinevere Turner ("American Psycho") and will be directed by Uwe Boll. Shawn Williamson of Vancouver-based Brightlight Pictures and Dan Clarke are the producers.

And finally, everyone involved in this:

Rayne Makes Her PlayBoy Debut - If you felt teased by her sexy Girls of Gaming cover, then this new feature art is going to blow your mind! Rayne is 100% topless and smokin' hot in the October issue of Playboy magazine. This is a first in videogame history and trust us when we say that Rayne does not disappoint.

Bonus Boners

You know who hates America? Terrorists.

A group of America-haters only slightly less reprehensible are the marketing organizations of virtually every North American game developer and publisher. They hate our ideals, they hate our way of life, and they hate manufacturing anything even remotely interesting when it comes to video game promotional items. They burn Collector's Editions in the street. They spit upon any t-shirt that isn't x-large.

Even though these people have probably never even seen a cool cell phone strap, they still stand by their misguided conviction that we, the American people, don't want quality promotional items and limited edition game releases.

I like my country and all, but I gotta tell you, Japan is kicking our keychain-less asses over here.

Japan has Club Nintendo, a promotional program specific to the region that rewards customer loyalty and encourages Nintendo purchases. The point based system lets consumers enrolled in Club Nintendo to acquire exclusive items that cannot be purchased in-store. Things like that Metroid themed Game Boy Advance taunting you over there on the right.

The aforementioned good people at Club Nintendo are also responsible for lovely items like these Mario and Luigi themed Gamecube controllers.

What does North America get? Tribal tattoos. Yup, tattoos. They go perfectly with this embarrassing quote from someone in Nintendo's European marketing group: "We feel we have created a product in the Tribal edition that reflects the sentiments of today's youth--rebellion, attractiveness, and spirituality... The new console allows gamers to express these emotions in a fun and interactive way, enabling them to communicate their individuality."

God. Please shut up.

I don't want tattoos. I want a white Xbox. I want a Mega Man Game Boy Advance. I want Gundam versions of my Playstation 2 and my Gamecube. And I'm not even sure what Gundam is.

Why can't America pull this crap off? I mean, Metroid Prime 2 is coming out this November, and the best NOA can do is slap together this lame Metroid bundle. I have money! Let me give it to you! Why do you hate my money?

Alas, money-hating seems to be a trend with American publishers. It's not that I mind the budget price of the upcoming Namco game Katamari Damacy, but I'll gladly fork over the bucks if it means I get the limited edition umbrella. I appreciate the fact that you are bundling over 10 classic Sega games for twenty dollars, Conspiracy, but I actually would like to have a Sega branded electric toothbrush.

It's actually very simple, if you want me to pre-order something, and guarantee that you have my money locked, make it worth my while. Go make something cool.

Worse Than FatBabies

Gabe has decided to use the GroupHug technology for evil, not for good (read: laughs). Rumor Engine: Games is in essence just a new GroupHug skin. A foul, boil-pocked skin for the planet's middle-schoolers and adult basement-dwellers to post today's rumors about the video games they love and love to hate.

While Rumor Engine itself is an excellent idea, its launch subject is a regrettable one. Because while, in the real world, rumors are always true the inverse is true when it comes to video gaming. And, unfortunately, any two-bit hack can fabricate a moderately well written line of complete bullshit, and someone will interpret it as gospel.

EQ II To Introduce New Surly Teen Class

From field reporter Piscopink:

Post Apocalyptic EQ II
In a bid to rack up some pre-orders for EverQuest II, Sony has offered a two disk Starter Kit that includes a character creation tool, allowing you to design and save your avatar before launch. Though some of the character models can come out video game hot, it seems the designers of EQ II were heavily influenced by kids at the mall. Models run the gamut from perfectly stupid geek-beast (yes, thats a zebra-striped rat-man sporting a monocle, eye patch and lavendar tunic - ed.) to Down syndrome bar maid.

I've always been of the mindset that trolls, ogres, lizard-people, cat-people, and rat-people should be left to the realm of NPC's, a la Middle-Earth Online.

Deep. I'm not an EQ player myself, but I look forward to the obsessive customization that comes from titles like these.

Mega Man Mash Up

Remember when you found out you could play as Samus sans spacesuit? Heavy stuff.

The eight year old brain could not have comprehended the likes of Staticreator's Mega Man vs. Metroid in 1986. Thankfully, the technology can now be safely released. Go play.

Japanese Dry Hump Advisory Update

The current Japanese Dry Hump Advisory level is currently at Guarded, indicating a General Risk of Japanese Dry Humping. This most recent update to the Advisory Level is in accordance with release date intelligence gathered from Japan regarding the Dead or Alive Ultimate limited edition Xbox.

For around $200 American, you get:

• One "haze blue" Xbox with "haze blue" controller


• One DVD playback kit


• One copy of Dead or Alive Ultimate


• A 12-month subscription to Xbox Live


• One inflatable Kasumi pillow


• Bragging rights/shame

Midway Announces They Have No Soul

Remember that list of finalized games to be included in Midway Arcade Treasures 2? Yeah. Total bullshit. Midway has given the axe to the original Mortal Kombat, Steel Talons and, most damning of all, S.T.U.N. Runner. They have instead opted to include two previously unannounced arcade "classics", Kosmic Kroozr and Wacko.

It's unclear why S.T.U.N. Runner and Steel Talons were removed from the compilation, but the inclusion of the original Mortal Kombat would most likely conflict with the just-announced Mortal Kombat: Deception Kollector's Edition. Come on, isn't the serialized limited edition trading card alone worth the extra ten dollars?

Burn in Hell, Midway.

G-Spot on G-Phoria

Thanks to Gamespot for its Spot On article on the G4techTV game awards show, G-Phoria, for giving us one less reason to tune in to Friday night's broadcast: a list of winners.

Hottest Character? OMG! Rikku! She totally deserved it.

For those who don't mind award show spoilers, you still have a littany of appearances from C- and D-level celebrities, porn stars, and pseudo-cool game industry types to look forward to. You'll also have the opportunity to see the best thing G4techTV has to offer besides Filter and the horrific Anna Nicole Smith killing your video game cosplay boner.

Thanks, G4techTV, for putting the dignity, and the Jadakiss, back into video game award shows.

Katamari Damacy Watch: Savings Bonanza

Katamari Damacy (now/maybe always known as Katamari Damashi) will retail at $19.99 USD when it's released at the end of September, according to this Gamestop listing.

Thank you, Namco.