Geek on Stun

Panty Shots and Parentheses

Our favorite new (hated) Web site, the Affilive blog, is about one of our other favorite subjects. JAPANESE TOYS! Yes, it's sad that we've yet to mature beyond these sorts of prepubescent pursuits, but what can you do? We simply cannot get enough primary colored PVC, whether it's shaped like a girl, a mech, or Wario.

But what makes Affilive so special? It's sickeningly intense focus on toy PANTIES. (Oh, right. Before we continue, consider this update not safe for work!) Going to Affilive might not only get you fired, it might get you arrested. IT'S REALLY BAD NEWS. Also, visiting the site has caused multiple system crashes for us (causing us to lose the HILARIOUS part of this update!), which is probably God reminding us we shouldn't be looking at this filth.

This is how Affilive works: Get the new Mai Shiranui (of King of Fighters fame) PVC statue, lift up the skirt, take shit tons of depraved panty shots. Like so:

Sick bastards. The staff will insert extremely Japanese emoticons, like (；´Д｀) and ＼(ﾟ∀ﾟ)／, in an attempt to make you think "Oh, this is just a bit of ironic, tongue-in-cheek fun!". Don't be fooled. THESE PEOPLE ARE DISEASED MONSTERS.

Final Fantasy fans, avert your eyes! That's a panty shot of your beloved Tifa!! Was she the one who died? We can't remember the horrible, drama club story, so be sure to remind us!

Oh, sweet Kasumi. Shame! Too obvious, Affilive! Too vulgar! (We REALLY hope our girlfriend forgets to read the site for the next few weeks.)

This is the sort of thing we love and hate at the same time. We suppose that under different circumstances (say, if we were disfigured with acid burns), this is the sort of thing we might enjoy. But we haven't given up on life just yet! Stay away from Affilive! Let us do the dirty work for you.

More Sonic The Hedgehog!

Sega of Japan has announced THREE new Sonic the Hedgehog games! First screens!! Try to imagine that we're genuinely enthusiastic about this, even though we haven't enjoyed a Sonic the Hedgehog game since 1992!!

Haha... wait. What? That's just a common billiards game with Sonic clip art jammed into the corner and shitty cellphone graphics. Who'd want that? Maybe this other one...

Oops! We must've posted the wrong GIF. That's a cards game. WAIT! THAT *IS* SONIC! AND TAILS AND SHADOW. We're so foiled right now. So what's this last one, then?

MOTHERFUCKERS.

We can only imagine the poor Java programmer who was elated to be hired at Sega, then told "You're going to work on a Sonic the Hedgehog title!", and is now faced with the crushing reality of the Japanese games market. In between coding simple parlor games, he must be desperately trying to remember his ideas for the proper Space Harrier sequel he's dreamed of. He's also wishing for a time machine and a shotgun so that he may murder his past self at his second-round of Sega interviews. Put this man out of his misery! Get him to work on a non-shitty Golden Axe game, PLEASE!

Dots 'n' Gals

Oh God, why must we be made to suffer? You know that we have no "walking-around" money, crushing amounts of debt, adult nonsense to pay for, yet you (sorry, You) continue to rain plastic holiness down upon us, the wretched masses. Like this .S series II pixelated goodness.

Haha. We remember when we had not a care in the world and young Link (or Fart as we named him) hoisted this majestic triangle aloft. *sniff*

Is it because we failed to post the newest fashionable Raid=Gig Xevious t-shirt, featuring the hypnotic Salvolou in all its glory?! WE ARE SORRY! (We blame the Japanese tendency to favor ultra tiny JPEG's.) We know people all across this hideous punishable orb are suffering from malnutrition and... other things we're sure, but must we be subjected to endure unquenchable trinket thirst? ARE YOU SO CRUEL!?

Oh Lord! Are you even listening? Give us a sign!

OMG RUMBLE ROSES CAPSULE TOYS!!!! RAPTURE SO HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

Assuredly, all D-cupped wrestlers will receive full paint jobs.

Thank you Konami (and our lord and savior, etc!) for your kindness. We can't wait to order these from who-knows-where then keep them MINT IN CAPSULE because we can't possibly assemble them out in the open. We'd be called a fuckin' pervert for owning little girl dollies with huge breasts.

HORRIBLE ATTEMPT AT JOKES AMNESTY PART OF POST: You can order the .S or dot-s or whatever the fuck they're called at National Console Support. Tell them we sent you! Then tell them to send us some for free. WE'RE POOR YOU KNOW. Our cleaning lady doesn't work for free!

Ladies Next

We're not so excited about MMORPG's or the next generation of consoles as we are THE NEXT GENERATION OF GIRLS. Here's why. The Bastard!! Online announcement from Japanese breast-mongers slash cute monster-farmers Tecmo clearly shows that the current generation of women does NOT cut it anymore.

New Tech Demo of Next Generation of Girls

WOW. Not perfect obviously, as the breasts could use a little work, but this is still early. Compare that to the following.

Current Generation of Girls

HORRIBLE. Our eyes are burning from the ugliness. We simply CANNOT deal with this level of graphics anymore! Bring on the next generation! The next extremely-gay, nipple-free Bastard!! generation!!

Fantastic Segue Adventure

Wait, what? It's been TWENTY years since Super Mario Bros. was released? But, we were just playing it for the first time the other day! Our red-headed neighbor who taught us all the curse words we know played it right in front of us!

Twenty years. Jesus. What have we been doing with ourselves this whole time? We feel like crying.

CRYING INTO OUR SUPER MARIO BROS. 20TH ANNIVERSARY T-SHIRTS FROM THE KING OF GAMES, THAT IS!

Click your mouse button for great, fruity detail!

Even though KOG optioned for a rainbow printing scheme, one which threatens our fragile masculinity, we still want one of these! In fact we want ALL 32 variations. NO SHIT. Eight designs, two color schemes, two shirt fabrics (and one bonus, SUPER LIMITED edition keychain); we need deeper pockets.

PayPal us your extra change so we can sit around the house playing Gradius V in style! PLEASE!!

Hot Sake

Lonely "hacker" unlocks panty shots in Simple 2000 Series Vol. 80: O-Ane-Chan Puruu! Posts proof on INTERNET! Japanese with nothing better to do UP IN ARMS!

Warning: The shot you've already downloaded and cached may be NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

DISGUSTING FILTH or LAZY TEXTURING?! Debate rages!

D3's semi-sequel to Simple 2000 Series Vol. 61: O-Ane-Chan Bara must contain a hidden thong viewing mode because we're certain no one would spend many many hours to find the perfect location to do a flip kick just to get a ultra low-resolution upskirt shot. We're also QUITE SURE that no one would think that the nearly nude cowgirl protagonist is wearing sheer bottoms, showing off her SEX ORGANS. That would be almost as ridiculous as trying to accuse us of repeatedly pausing our SNES version of Street Fighter II Turbo to see Chun Li's underthings exposed while Spinning Bird Kicking! ALMOST INCONCEIVABLE, RIGHT?!

Right!

If this DOES turn out to be true, and Tamsoft and D3 are horrific smut mongers, deceptively including a black vagina in a game in which bikini clad teenage girls slice decaying animated corpses, showering their nearly naked bodies with LOADS of sticky blood, the Computer Entertainment Rating Organization of Japan will reign bureaucratic HELLFIRE down upon our favorite budget publisher!

Surprise, Gemini

Despite the fact that Sakura Taisen is currently on our List of Things About Which We Wish People On The Internet Would Shut The Fuck Up, we cannot stress enough how much we have fallen head over heels in love with Gemini Sunrise, star of Sega's Sakura Taisen V Episode 0. And while any artistic endeavor that suffixes itself with a "Episode Something Or Other" descriptor causes us to shudder and reflexively twist our neck in disgust, as it reminds us of those horrible Star Wars movies, we continue to obsess over Gemini. Gaze upon her Texan loveliness.

*SIGH*

Look at those lovely blue, grotesquely oversized eyes. We could swim in those for days! If only she were flesh and blood! Those freakishly large misshapen POOLS OF RADIANCE might induce vomiting, but we'd give ANYTHING to know her in real life and take the chance to become violently ill in her presence.

Alas, as many internet denizens will tell you, the relationship one has with anime personalities often bears little sweet fruit. Our solution? We're trying desperately to mold our real life girlfriend to be more like Gemini. It's proving difficult. The only progress we've made is gently coaxing her into wearing this Cospa outfit:

Unfortunately, based on our garage kit collections, she knows that we'll have the best intentions for at-home cosplay, but will eventually put her in any number of humiliating poses.

Our only other options are to (1) continue to write romantic fanfics (aka ROMANFICS™!) about Gemini, fooling ourselves into thinking we'll meet her someday, (2) travel to the Sakura Cafe in Tokyo and drink her signature cocktail, knowing her with biological intimacy or (3) cry ourselves to sleep, knowing that our TRUE 16-YEAR OLD, SWORD WIELDING, MECH PILOTING COWGIRL LOVE will never be ours.

*SOB* GOODNIGHT!

Golf Question Mark

What the fuck, internet? Chronic Logic's Golf? went into beta almost two weeks ago and you NEVER TOLD US. Kind of a dick move, if we're being honest.

It reminds us that we never got to play Dee Dee Planet. *sob*

It's 'cause we don't like golf, right? We'll give you that. Golf IS silly; duller than even soccer, but look at that booze-swilling, floating caddy robot-thing! Who knew Chronic Logic was so smart? Certainly not us, as we never did get around to playing Gish (We didn't want to look like INDIE GAME POSEURS).

If the graphical splendor of the thing doesn't draw you in, you cannot be so cold and inhuman as to not respond gleefully to this perfectly answered FAQ:

q: What is that on top of the golfers head?
a: If you pressed 4 in the driving range, then its a gun. If you pressed 5, it's a Utah teapot. And If you pressed 6 it's Blue Shirt from Ken's stage of Super Street Fighter 2X: Grand Master Challenge.

Blue Shirt. Awesome.

If you like first person golf, and aren't one of those adult babies who likes to moan about photorealism, download this masterwork now.

Massive DD Deployment

As you read this, some 40,000 Kasumi dolls are being deployed by Max Factory to warehouses across the remote masturbation-starved island nation of Japan. Look! Palettes filled with life giving wank fodder!

You know what's in those plain brown boxes?! HOT KASUMI PAINTED FIGURES. Here's a relief worker displaying the goods.

If we weren't so poor, and had PVC lust in our hearts, we might drop the $80 to get our baby soft hands on one (or, two to keep ONE MINT IN BOX). Look at the pure innocence, the virginal (very important - ed.) white stockings that must have come a bit loose while fighting Tina in her cowboy outfit. Perfect for keeping under your bed, masturbating furiously to the underside of, and storing in your closet when real girls come over!

(Thanks to Akiba Blog for unknowingly letting us steal some pictures that they must have worked unsarcastically really hard to get.)

House of the Dead Four

We know that the entire arcade development staff at Sega of Japan is frantically hitting F5 waiting for an update, so we'll take a moment to address them directly. A note about House of the Dead 4 (which we are STILL looking forward to despite how we felt about the third!). About these new shots from Game Watch...

Why can't they be URBAN CULTURE KIDS? We'd shoot faster.

Please make a third zombie model. We're having a hard time coming to terms with the entire zombie population of the post-apocalyptic future having decided on a dress code.

Goods Objection

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is currently scheduled to be our game of the year. IT'S THAT GOOD. We're also considering importing the limited edition because it comes with the best stylus since the Pac-Pix pencil.

American brains just don't work well enough to come up with this sort of thing.

Yes, you can POINT AT STUFF just like Phoenix! Total immersion! AND it comes with a custom strap with an "OBJECTION!" screen cleaner.

We object to dust and cat hair!

It might come with the game and a soundtrack disc, too, but who has time for that? We'll be too busy looking at our stylus in public like it's nothing special.

Hair Stacks, Nehru Jackets, The New Cool

We know that unbridled enthusiasm is "OUT", but indulge us for a moment while we go over the bullet points regarding our affections for Spike's PS2 game Kenka Banchou. Not that we've played it or anything, because Western publishers are too busy with gaming poison like 187 Ride or Die or 50 Cent's upcoming shitware, but we really like the trailers a lot.

We fell in love with this game the second we saw eye-beams being exchanged between our pompadoured hero and some sorry punk who can't handle a little intimidation. We've dreamed of shooting eye-beams since sixth grade, so this speaks to us.

Some people dream of flying, we dream of intimidating eye lasers.

(Shit. We want to be happy about this game's existence, but we're caught up on the whole 50 Cent thing. We liked "In Da Club" for a few minutes, too, you know, but mainly because Dr. Dre is a shrewd producer, but fuck that game. We really do hope that the Frenchies are going to package in blinding snake venom with each case so the target market never buys another game EVER.)

Sorry, we were being enthusiastic, weren't we? We'll get back on track.

God. Seriously, LOOK AT THIS. You beat up schoolgirls! We don't advocate violence against women normally, but if they are in a rival gang and give us some rival gang style shit, we will punch them right in the boob. Beyond the violence, there are a ton of reasons why we want some brave publisher to localize this.

Okay, here's just ONE:

Totally amazing character design. We would have KILLED to look like this in high school. And we could go either way; massive leathery pompadour or razor sharp goatee and unfuckwithable GIANT eyebrows.

Kenka Banchou is our fantasy version of life, where we all just strut bow-legged and look pissed all the time.

Then... BAM! Street stare showdown! We've tried for years to get this electric glare perfected, but to no avail. We simply cannot generate this energy from our eyeballs.

Oh, and HOT, LOOSE women who smoke cigarettes and steal their dad's car visit us at our rundown apartment and tell us who's been talkin' shit about our best friend. And it's ON.

Then we get into these showdowns with other local toughs who understand the deep vocabulary, art, and science of measuring dudes up and down. It's not gay at all. In fact, it's a billion times more masculine than football and shooting deer.

Alas, like most things this good, we'll never experience it. You'll probably never get a chance to play this either unless you have a strong grasp of Kanji. At the very least, you can get your hands on the AMAZING Shockwave game that has possibly the best repeating metal soundtrack since Thunder Force II. AT LEAST WE HAVE THAT TO KEEP US GOING! :(

Tencho Tips #674

We were trying to act kind of nonchalant about those .S (aka Dot's) kits from Tomytec. "Too kiddy", we told ourselves. "This whole pixel crafty thing is a fad", we continued.

Well, that crazy thinking is all out the window now, as Tencho of The King of Games posted a few pics of his new .S kits and filled our hearts with drooling plastic lust.

Dig Dug, you have found the air valve to our hearts!

OH GOD! We love opening new boxes of STUFF!! That "new toy" smell haunts us.

We think those are Mario legs over there!

Look what Tencho did! He made a pixel King of Games Famicom t-shirt! We love those! Ha ha!

We're going over to National Console Support right now to pre-order for the US shipments, but first we are in need of a cash infusion. Send bank account details, frozen Nigerian funds, or charitable Moblin locations here.

We Even Had A Difficult Time With The Title :(

We've been struggling all day to find justification to post this photo of Konami's Pawapuro 12 spokesmodels posing with lunch boxes. We'd call it writers block, but then someone might accuse us of referring to ourselves as writers, and that would be HORRIBLE. We're worried you might picture us hanging out in a coffee shop with a snobby notebook computer (and our PSP, obviously placed in PLAIN SIGHT so everyone can see), updating the site while desperately hoping someone asks us what we're doing. Then we would explain to them that we write this awful video game tripe in an attempt to make internet friends and have some reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Oops! Got a bit carried away there. Right, the picture. Here it is.

Why do we keep stealing from ITmedia? It's a horrible thing to do. :(

So. Anyway. Maybe we should mention we're enjoying Meteos quite a bit?

Fashion Quest, Fashion Warrior

We'd have hated to leave the week with that pissy know-it-all post. Instead of whining and wasting brain power on awesome game ideas that will NEVER get made, we should've have been putting up these Dragon Quest tees from Beams. The line is mostly sold out by now, but maybe you can call a friend in Japan to pick one up at a respectable shop.

Thy thumbnails may be clicked upon for greater artistic detail.

THE BOMB CRAG! (we had to look it up)

THE ZOMBIE!

THE LEVEL UP!

More info and MANY more excellent t-shirts from the Dragon Quest line at Beams T.

Thinking Caps

Here's a quote we shouldn't have been surprised to read.

"It’s really hard to think of new ideas. Look at Hollywood. Do you think they really wanted to make a Flintstones movie?”
Frank Gibeau, Electronic Arts

WHAT. THE. FUCK. ?.

It's HARD to think of new ideas? No. No it's not. It's EASY. We're not that smart and we have brain-explodingly good ideas every day on the walk home from work. Frank did prequalify this statement with the term "marketable", but still.

Frank, EA, please, take these ideas. They're free! We hereby waive all rights to the creative genius that follows.

PURE GOLD IDEA #1
You're a werewolf who must compete in an intergalactic boxing tournament to save the moon from destruction. We don't want to live in a world where this doesn't sell-through 6 million copies.

PURE GOLD IDEA #2
You: a sentient flying pen. Them: Nazis. FLYING PEN vs. NAZIS. Everyone at some point has wanted to be a flying pen, right? And everyone hates Nazis. It's all about writing notes to people and stabbing SS officers in the eyeball. (There was some backstory in this idea, but it was edited out for brevity's sake.)

PURE GOLD IDEA #3
We admit that we had some help with this one, because we wanted to get a female perspective, but it was good input from someone who only plays Popcap games. Conjoined vampire twins. One has a drinking problem. It practically writes itself from there.

PURE GOLD IDEA #4
Okay, look, we realize it might be hard for you to come up with some of this genius level shit on your own, so we'll help you ease into it. There are a ton of smart licenses you could be picking up for NEXT TO NOTHING. James Bond license? Fuck that. Roadhouse license! Who hasn't wanted to play as Patrick Swayze's immortal "Dalton", the bouncer with a PhD in philosophy who knocks the shit and whiskey out of ignorant hayseeds and brings local scumbag Brad Wesley to his knees? Admittedly, it would be a fighting game which isn't that unique, but round that out with some philosophy mini-games, and you've got a CASH COW. The fact that Roadhouse runs every 48 hours on TNT is like free advertising for life.

EA, if you really are having a difficult time coming up with ideas, and not the actual hard part (coding, animating, lighting, modeling, etc.), please just HIRE US. Thank you and you're welcome.