Geek on Stun

A Metal Slime Draws Near

Look! It's a new version of a thing we previously coveted but now in a different color!

Here's what's so great about it:

• It's a different color than the first one, which means it's better!
• It's made of plastic, which is our favorite material!
• They released better pictures of it that we didn't have to steal from another site!
• It's probably going to be more "rare" so we can mention often that we own it in our favorite forum!

Sega Still Makes Video Games...

... but not at the expense of turning ordinary girls into beautiful fairy princesses!

This must be every girl's fantasy! Why, to be dressed up in a Dreamcast orange fairy costume and shill Sega products like the Sega Ages 2500 series or Segamoba cell phone games, even we might go for a gender switch. We're sure that this year's Sega spokesmodel doesn't want anything in life beyond dressing up in a wholesome space vixen outfit on her non-princess days and playing Sonic backgammon on her phone to pass the time.

If only we could make it out to Japan while our family were still there. We'd bum about Joypolis, waiting for a visit from the Sega fairy, then frantically snapping photos of her ankles. Alas.

Soon enough she'll be cast aside for committing the crime of entering her twenties like previous Sega sweetthearts/aging hags Sugar and the company will move onto something else. Until then, we will devote as much time as possible to posting pictures of her. Here's one we like!

Back to slaving over our Web comic!

A 16-Chapter Epic On Why Video Games Are A Depressing Hobby

Chapter 1: The PSP was released in Europe (or maybe just the UK, we don't know from all that) and COINCIDENTALLY, some horrible retailer began selling this "skin".

This reminds us that we need to look up the word "chav" and what that means.

Chapter 2: You can skip this part. It's just that we lost to the CPU for the third time on this Advance Wars: Dual Strike map on the train ride home. If it sounds like we're blogging our commute, that's what we're depressed about.

Chapters 3-6: These bits are all about a black hedgehog carrying a gun riding a motorcycle who's tortured by his past or some such nonsense. Skip this section also.

If you've blocked images from us for some reason, please realize that there's a dark, edgy hedgehog on a motorcycle directly before this paragraph. You remember how moronic it was the first time you saw Spider-Man's van in the toy section of your K-Mart, right? It's just like that.

Chapters 7-16: Sorry. These don't exist. They're probably never coming. There's no interest from the community, sadly. The creative investment made in chapters 1-6 have made us emotionally bankrupt. Maybe when this week's Street Fighter 4 announcement doesn't happen, we'll have something unfunny to write about, but for now, if you're looking for unfunny, you're on your own.

See you later. MAYBE. :(

Suckered Again

We are SUCH IDIOTS. We totally fell for this one: Pac-Man X Space Invaders by Namco and Taito for your cell phone.

This is the sort of shit our inner 10-year old completely wets himself over, like that oft-rumored Madballs vs. M.U.S.C.L.E. crossover we were told about in fifth grade. Then reality sets in: its for Japanese cell phones and plays just like Pac-Man but with cell phone buttons which means it doesn't play at all.

There's even a mode where you play Space Invaders but Pac-Man chases Pinky across the top, instead of that wide UFO, but it just gets depressing then because you're playing Space Invaders for the billionth time. We'll just look at our cell phones empty calendar if we want that sort of disappointment. At least that's free.

We Don't Give A Shit What It Plays

If we intend on keeping up with our fashionable console BUDDIES with whom we slap on headsets and TALK TRASH after PLUNKING some gaming dollars on the new Madden, we need this!

It's called the Poly 2, which we assume is short for PolyStation 2, a series of consoles EXCLUSIVE to Asia. This kind of import is PURE MESSAGE BOARD CRED in a box. It looks like a slimline PS2 and we don't have one of those yet, so we're automatically jealous! We might just put it up on top of our regular boring oversized PlayStation 2 so our stylish reputation remains untarnished. The new box art though, it's pure garbage! We'll have to stash this behind our Donkey Konga drums in the hall closet.

Let's see how this bad boy plays...

WTF? Where does the Contra: Shattered Soldier CD go?! And where does the memory card go? And what's this then?

That looks a bit different than our stock PS2 controller, but maybe this is the sleek, minimal version of the pad. Maybe its a throwback to the original PlayStation controller. Minimal. Retro. SO SMART! Those Sony execs are really hip!

Enough ogling of the SEXY design, let's play something!

Fig. 1 - Shitty licensed manga game with one of those idiotic Dragon Ball boys on the cart

Oh no! It only seems to take Famicom carts. This is hugely disappointing. If only it could redeem itself somehow.

SOLD. We'll play anything that stands on its side. We don't care if the games are complete shit, all that matters is that it stands proudly erect, like an evolved electronics kit. (Please note that due to the weight of the cart, a stand helps to keep it upright. Chopsticks also suffice.)

This amazing piece of nearly next gen electronic heaven comes with games (999999 of 'em*) included. It's even equipped to do speed runs right out of the box. See Super Mario Bros. and Track & Field finished in a matter of seconds. SECONDS!! The Asians really know value!

* Obviously lies. Please note all the hard work, including buying, picture taking and posting on the internet for us to STEAL was done by this Japanese Web log. All other horrible writing, auto levelling and reposting done by us.

Wonder Fest Summer

We really hope you appreciate this one, because we had to sort through something like a MILLION depressing statues of nearly naked ladies with cat ears and too-young girls who are half weapon to find these pictures of Tuchy's King of Cosmos resin kit. And some of those statues were of Cammy from Street Fighter and since some people are OFFENDED by half naked toys, we didn't post them, which makes for gobs of wasted effort. Plus, we had to see some real creepy shit like girls with carrots jammed in their mouths, "sexy" bunny librarians chained to NOT FOOD signs, and some stuff we JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Anyway, here's the King!

We feel that this sort of thing would go perfectly with our desk! Katamari craft interest is definitely on the decline, but high end resin collectibles NEVER go out of style. And it goes perfectly with Tuchy's winter Wonder Fest entry, the Prince of Cosmos!

If we were single and chubby, this is the sort of thing that would be right up our alley! You can see more of the King's bulbous crotch at Tuchy's HP.

Some other super nerdy items we liked:

• These Darius fish space robot things


• This Vic Viper!!!


• All the super neato Virtual On robots!


• This fellow with the confidence and the beak!

Tons more geek fodder at New Akiba!

Cruisin' Caravan

What? They still make Monster Rancher games? Hasn't the novelty worn off? Oh wait, maybe we'd be more effective if we pretended we liked Monster Rancher for the remainder of the post.

OMG! DID YOU SEE THE MONSTER RANCHER CRUISE SHIP!?

Wow! Our socks have indeed been KNOCKED OFF! We want to go on the Monster Rancher... err.. Monster Farm 5: Circus Caravan cruise! We want to have our picture taken with regular people dressed up like video game characters like all the other kids!

A two hour ride on a dilapidated cruise ship with nothing but Monster Farm fans to keep us company?! Sounds like heaven! Here's a funny Japanese emoticon to show how authentic our enthusiasm is! ヽ(´ー｀)ノ

NOW WHERE DO WE SEND THE YEN!?

Faceplate 180

We take back everything bad we ever said about faceplates! They truly are the best way to express our video game identity! We are on board! We are drinking the Kool-Aid!

We already have four (!) machines that play Game Boy Advance games, but we must part with another one-hundred American dollars because we can make it look like a Famicom! A FAMICOM FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Japanese people on the train will look at us and put their hands over their mouths in the shock and delight of recognition and we'll play Panel de Pon and Dr. Mario and it will SOMEHOW MAKE IT BETTER because it looks like a Famicom.

This isn't a joke!We are no longer disgusted by marketing brochures that say shit like "Multiple Faceplates = Best Experience". We are faceplate converts!

Digital Entertainment Lifestyle is here and WE ARE FIRST IN LINE!!

Happy now!?

Tokyo (Funky Soul) Bus Driver

We don't like Japan as much as you might think! They have tentacle porn and they smoke a lot and anime is almost all bad, but we really admire their big bowls of udon and the whole ninja thing. We also admire their dedication to make games out of REALLY BORING subjects, like driving a bus in traffic.

People will spend thousands of yen on this. THOUSANDS.

In Japan, they make games about things we (and we mean WE AMERICANS) don't want to do: food service, bus driving, soccer management. Then they get people famous for singing anime theme songs and some elfen go-go booted girls to promote it.

The finger says, "You, for some reason, unrelated to my fame as a theme song singer and these semi-cute spokesmodels, WANT this game. You do! You'll even buy the catchy theme song on CD. You just will. Accept it."

And the population is like "That's cool. I might like a bus driving game. This is normal." Then we (in this case, YOU OTHER AMERICANS) are all like "You wacky Japs! You crazy! Where do I download some tentacle porn?!" and good games like Ouendan never come stateside. Then everything just starts to SUCK.

Oh! We almost forgot to post the Official Campaign Song (Tokyo Funky Soul Bus!) cover art!

We really love that permanently erect fancy scarf! Go Funky Soul Bus Driver! GO!

Poll: Are We Creepy?

We're becoming increasingly out of touch with what society accepts as normal. So we ask: Would it be weird if we were to get these super cute Samurai Shodown gals capsule toys?

Wait. We weren't really finished. Would it be weird if we were to get these super cute Samurai Shodown gals capsule toys and have fanfic plays at our desk at work with super cool sound effects like "KTAANG!!" and "SHIIING!" with the occasional shout of "HATTORI HANZO!" and awesome improvised narration and dialogue written by us?

We promise that there would be no mashing of tiny plastic faces in mock making out. We also promise we'd never turn them upside down to check the underside paint job. We also commit to NO inappropriate foil usage, NO improper poses, and NO custom erotic paint modifications.

Seriously now. Is that sort of thing still cool?

E-mail us your answer so we can decide whether or not to troll eBay for a set!

Ladies Next Plus Alpha

According to the most recent Comiket, current generation girls still have a LONG way to go before they match the tech demos provided by Namco.

From left: real girl, promised girl

Come ON, Namco! You think we're IDIOTS? All we see are polygon edges, washed out textures and stiff animation. The crowd looks pretty good, we suppose, and the floor textures look decent enough, but the whole thing is just lacking. It smacks of a rush job to ship for Comiket.

This picture reminds us: WE HATE TEKKEN AND EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH IT.

We Go On An T Adventure!

We didn't really give Adventure Island the time of day back when we were little. Probably because we hate tropical things (except for drinks! - ed.) and we hate shirtless men. The latter is probably due to us being homophobic (don't forget sexist!) as a few readers have pointed out in scathing comments that cut right to the bone. ANYWAY. This Adventure Island shirt, though, is so CUTE that if it had cheeks we'd pinch 'em! If it were unlockable in Nintendogs we'd put a cowboy hat on it and rub it's tummy! Look!

ADORABLE. He's skateboarding! We have absolutely no idea how to order this thing, but it's part of some Hudson series of t-shirts that are pretty fantastic. Sadly, we don't think we've EVER played a Hudson game, so this would result in some serious poseuring on our part if we ever snagged this.

Japan t-shirt exporters: WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! Shut Up!

What's the BEST thing about Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan? It's so fucking good that it will put an end to internet editorializing about how video games need this or that and need more content for this or that demographic.

Here are 8 reasons why people can stop journalizing because of the BEST NINTENDO DS GAME YET.

1. Girls will like it. It's got a horse! And romance!
2. It's not trying to be the movies. The movies can go to hell. Because of the fucking movies, we get raindrops on the "camera". Because of the movies, we get "depth of field". Because of the movies we get a shit ton of GARBAGE from EA, motion capture this, photorealistic that, and all sorts of other bullshit. Fuck the movies!!! Aaaahhh!! It's a video game! Let it be a video game!
3. Ouendan is funny. When the giant salary man fights the colossal mouse and the mouse hands him his business card and the salary man has his tie tied around his head and he's frantically looking for his own business card and then realizes that the mouse is trying to trick him, well WE JUST LOSE IT.
4. Ouendan is sad. When you have to help the handsome ghost start his motorcycle to let his girlfriend know that he's still in love with her from the spirit world and the sweet song is playing and he spills the coffee and the coffee makes a heart and and and... well WE JUST LOSE IT. *SOB*
5. Ouendan is SOME FEELING we can't identify. Intense emotion or something. SOMETHING. Every time someone feels passionately about something in the game and the earth trembles, flames roar and they're possessed by the spirit of SOMETHING UNEXPLAINED we feel SOMETHING TOO. Emotion in games has BEEN DONE, so shut up Web journalists about this point.
6. It's innovative. Interactive manga rhythmic dexterity touch screen benevolent cheerleading fun! It will never come to America, because America hates innovation. See? PROOF. QED.
7. It's by iNiS and they made Gitaroo Man. The won't bore you with keynote speeches where they talk about their Ferraris or how they HATE parallel processing! They'll just shut up and make good games!
8. It's art. Are video games art? SHUT UP, YES. But are video games art?! FUCK YOU. OUENDAN!!!!!

Hope that makes sense. We're off to read about how video game music is going mainstream because some classically trained musicians have been economically humiliated into playing the Tomb Raider soundtrack for a bunch of nerds.

King Shit, But No Golden Boys

We like two things about t-shirts:

1. They are ART for every day™
2. They are walking advertisements

This one for instance (a Namco-Playford VS collaboration):

It says "Hello world, I have horrible taste and want to show you the STUPIDEST character ever created! He's right here on my chest!!".

P.S. Tekken is gay.

Secretary Of Bullet Hell Shooters

Sweet Cave secretary Makiko Terasaki, we know that you probably do not actually play video games, opting instead for learning proper tea service, kimono dressing techniques, and kendo, but if we were to come visit the president of the Cave corporation, the highlight of our trip would certainly be the few moments we spend with you. We would, in horribly broken and humbly delivered Japanese, attempt to exchange pleasantries with you about the weather, while burning inside with the questions "Does she even know of Espgaluda?!" and "Could she get us a copy of Ibara?!" and "Does she... have... a... boyfriend?!?!?!".

Although we are already bethrothed to another, we can't help but wonder that if things had been different (we were born and raised in Japan, learned game development from an early age, became employed at Cave, and had regular meetings with the president) maybe we could know super shooter secretary Makiko Terasaki IN REAL LIFE.

Oh, Makiko! We can only dream! Such sensible shoes! Such demure corporate beauty!

Sadly it will never be. Instead, we'll just continue to obsessively read her blog about formal dressing and some "harmony" thing she's into hoping that a Trackback ping will somehow bring us together!!

At least Gemini Sunrise will never outright reject us. :( We're going to go cry into our Nintendo DS now.

Nintendogs Handsome Limited Edition

We're thinking about importing a copy of Nintendogs because the Japanese version has a really neat feature: it's playable by handsome, thoughtful, fashionable men!

This will OBVIOUSLY be removed for the North American version, which will only support pasty adult-children with ponytails and obese manga collectors. Pensive thought about the repurcussions of focusing on intense dog competition training while appearing quite dapper will also be removed during localization in order to support the little bit of drool that will form on the lower lip of players open mouths while concentrating obsessively on completing your dog toy collection.

(Who are we kidding? That wasn't funny at all. And that run-on sentence. ABSOLUTELY HORRID.

The only reason we even made this post was because we felt bad about the way we wrote about DURKL the other day and wanted to bump down that awful post with another awful post. Sure enough, the OTHER person (who isn't our mom) reading this site that day was the guy from DURKL who assured us that the King Hippo shirt we slagged was done in good faith. Now we have to back out of our horrible internet persona because we feel like shit. Please go buy some DURKL gear to ease our CRUSHING GUILT. :(

ARE WE JUST MADE OF HATE OR SOMETHING!?)

Someone We'd Like To Punch-Out!!

We'll make this quick. We loved the shit out of some Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but Jesus Christ do we HATE ironic t-shirts. Which is why we're so torn up inside by this Durkl gear.

Uh oh. Someone's got a HILARIOUS IRONIC pant-leg rolled up. That clinches it. NO SALE.

GotY 2004 Gradius V Critical Patch

Our Game of the Year Awards for 2004 that everybody does to death that only Brian Crecente liked has been patched. Sorry for the late update!

Here's the list of changes:

• Fixed a bug that didn't include Gradius V as "Shooting Game of the Year", "Konami Game of the Year", "Treasure Game of the Year", and "Game That Made Us Think 'Why Did We Buy Donkey Konga, When We Should've Just Played More Gradius V?!'"
• Updated the number of Gradius V units sold to 32,000, despite there being some 37 million PlayStation 2's sold in the US. Ratio should now make all respectable game players weep and/or regret their Bloodrayne purchases.
• Hopefully fixed a taste exploit that let users buy 4 million copies of homoerotic, infantile garbage Dragon Ball titles.
• Closed AMERICA HATES GOOD VIDEO GAMES security issue. Could have resulted in no future Gradius installments, and more shitty urban free-roaming games.
• After reevaluating Gradius V, affirmed complete apathy toward Mark Ekco's Getting Up. Realized it was better when it was called Jet Set Radio and wasn't completely depressing to look at and/or think about.
• Reset our opinion of video game Web site editors who are angry whiners because people really REALLY REALLY like Treasure, even though Stretch Panic wasn't so good, and that somehow makes them OVERRATED.
• Further technical info available in the Read Me file.

Here are some screen shots for the latest update.

This is the asteroid stage. It's REALLY HARD and makes you feel like you've actually accomplished something with your life.

This is only the first stage, but the whole thing is so pretty! Pretty blue!

We still love this game even though the Vic Viper pilot says "WOW!" after each red thing blows up. This is really annoying, but doesn't detract from how AMAZING Gradius V is throughout.