Geek on Stun

Nintendo Land 2: Six Golden Cartridges

We got ourselves out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5 A.M. yesterday to speed our way to the closest Nintendo World Store, something we thought we'd never do again. Only this time, it was TOTALLY WORTH IT!

We'll skip all the EXTREMELY BORING travel details and just get to the stuff every other respectable video game site already posted last night. However, we'll put our own "spin" on it by mocking others so that we'll feel better about ourselves!

First we did this BRILLIANT parallel parking job with our girlfriend's Honda!

We ought to start up a Web site that instructs everyone how to do this to PERFECTION.

Then we walked past the fragrant line of thousands that every other site has pictures of. What the hell? Here's another digital photo of the unshowered Gamecube owning populace!

WOW!

We got to the front of the queue and saw one of our favorite Nintendo PR folks! Here's us thinking "Please don't ask what site we 'work' for". But she did and we said "Joystiq". Sorry! WE PANICKED!!

While waiting for what we assumed was going to be the punchline to our initial invite, daring photojournalist JrHawk snapped this awkward pic of a stunned Reggie Fils-Aime.

Without cropping, this picture has a lot more tummy in it.

We cought up with frequent collaborator Amigarad who showed us his dual DS wielding technique. He's actually managing TWO virtual puppies simultaneously, hence the sweatband.

Hadn't bathed in a while.

This guy was there again! And he brought his cap again! And everyone loved it AGAIN!

And this kid was there! He really thought this was a good idea!

By this point, the anticipation was KILLING US.

We were finally let into the building with the regular journalists and shown to our area. Then we were allowed to take pictures of Shigeru Miyamoto writing on peoples possessions.

Please note the King of Games t-shirt! We were really excited to see that and could barely restrain ourselves from pointing it out to everyone that dared speak with us. In fact, during our five minute session with Reggie, we only talked about t-shirts!

Seth took this photo! Thanks, Seth!

He was soon whisked away by PR folks to the decontamination room.

This is the security guard from the Nintendo World Store keeping order and pysically intimidating kids who weighed less than their backpacks. Regrettably, we don't have a detail shot of the skull and crossbones ring that we assume was forged from the fillings of previous combatants.

Our man with the camera DID however manage to capture this gentleman with the Super Mario Bros. Zubaz. He just radiated comfort!

Then the camera battery died and we missed a ton of really good stuff. Then some girl from the New York Post started asking us questions and making us nervous. The day was close to being RUINED.

Then Miyamoto signed our Nintendo DS and shook our sopping wet hand and took a picture with us and everything was magically better!

Thank you Nintendo World Store! ヽ(´ー｀)ノ

Ha Ha! Banpresto!

Will the Banpresto Life Creative Division EVER run out of clever ways to repackage the same Nintendo properties from twenty years ago? NO WAY. Our faves from this months batch of licensed crap include:

The Famicom Calculator Series

Ha ha. See? It's been shaped like a Famicom cartridge and the fonts are accurate on the keys and it makes a fun coin-y sound when you finish your calculation! We'll take three, please!

More Famicom Keychains

We need more things to lock because that Link keychain with the white sword is totally right up our alley! By the way, Banpresto, no one over here cares about Ice Climber, so how about some Kid Icarus plastic things?

Goomba and Koopa Plushies

We want to set up a bunch of these in our apartment and stomp on them while picking up our scattered change. We know fun like no one else!

Dear readers, won't you Paypal us a much needed infusion of funds so that we may support our habit of ugly consumerism? We'll give you a funny emoticon that we just got that means we're embarrassed to beg! (；´Д｀) That really takes the sting out of our financial situation like nothing else!

TGS Ended Days Ago But: Sony's Loco Roco -- Another Stolen Nintendo Idea!

Those vampires at Sony Computer Entertainment Japan are just ruthless!

We liked it better when it was called Yoshi's Topsy Turvy and it SUCKED. If you think some artwork that makes us weep with joy and clever animation that makes us giggle is going to somehow make us forget what MOTHERFUCKING thieves you are, Sony, you're sadly mistaken!

Please note this update was partially written while still topical. But since we've not written anything since that cosplay trash from the weekend we figured no one would mind.

TGS: We'd Really Like To Mock Some Cosplayers

But we won't as we're quite impressed with this Viewtiful Joe couple! They're not dumpy at all!

Absolutely amazing! We've gone over these pictures again and again, and we simply CANNOT spot the normally exposed rolls of flesh.

They've clearly gone to great lengths to capture every detail! They even look quite charming with the helmets on.

He's even got the tongue right! We are stunned. Let's hope these two went home and fucked in-character.

Also, we have one more cosplaying kudo to give to this young lady.

FINALLY. After *eight* years, someone finally got the tits right.

TGS: Gradius Coming To PlayStation 3, Shirts

We thought we were dreaming at work when we, instead of working, checked a somewhat respectable video game news site for Tokyo Game Show updates and this is what we saw.

Exclusive! First screen of us reading about Gradius VI!!!

Based on everything we know so far (it's going to come out), Gradius VI will be BRILLIANT.

We were also pretty excited to check the KonamiStyle T-Shirt Factory Web site soon after that and see that Konami wants to clothe us in Gradius licensed textiles. That is SUCH a smart idea!

Exclusive! First JPEG of a drawing of the Gradius t-shirt with a bit of drop shadowing added by us!

Yay! Maybe we won't quit this stupid, little boy hobby after all!

TGS: Sony Reveals PSP Game That's A Total Rip Off Of Nintendo Games

Those sons of bitches at Sony have STOLEN a bunch of great ideas from Nintendo. AGAIN!

How can they walk out in public with their billions and billions of dollars made from the blood, sweat and tears of Nintendo programmers? Criminal.

Do we even need to explain this one to you?! If you watch the video preview, be prepared to SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN DISGUST. Tsk tsk, Sony! This is just Wario Ware, but with the bad art in high resolution. Have you no shame?!

It's called something like Baitohel 2000 or something. We don't know because it's all written in Japanese, but we wouldn't be surprised if this means something that Nintendo came up with years ago.

We're going to bed angry!

TGS: Konami Spokesmodel Would Like To Show You Something!

She's just had a great idea! Why don't you hold this gigantic thing up to your face and look inside? It's got Metal Gear Acid 2 in there! This one's cel shaded, you know!

Despite the crooked smoker's teeth, she's kind of cute! And you know you like these trade show outfits with the midriff showing and the game logo on the jacket. What's the harm? You like girls, right? And who doesn't like Metal Gear? What are you, some kind of fag? Go on! PUT THE METAL GEAR GOGGLES ON YOUR FACE OR SHE'S GONNA LAUGH AT YOU. This could be your only chance to talk to her! Where are you going?!

Xbox Lifestyle Promises We're Looking Forward To Being Fulfilled

We're doing a complete 180 on two of our previously held opinions lately; faceplates and our NEED for the next generation of consoles. Why? CAUSE OUR LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW and Xbox is going to FIX IT. These are just a few of the various digital entertainment lifestyle repairs to our broken life we're excited about (there are like DOZENS).

Our crew will be fresh. It's currently made up of a late-twenties and early-thirties white "circle of friends", but will soon be replaced with a diverse multi-racial CREW of poppin' and lockin', ball handlin' BUDDIES. So long, plain old friends!

Our greetings will improve! We expect our current awkward hello's and half-hearted waves to be replaced with chest bumpin' handshake hugs and a healthy amount of unironic "WHASSUP, NIGGA?!" from our new non-token Black Friend.

Our new girlfriend. The one we have now is pretty good, but she only likes boring adventure games and Bejeweled. Our new one will play co-op Gears of War with us and be all "Did you see that headshot, sweetie? *giggle*". We'll miss you, baby! :(

Photo sharing. FINALLY. Looks like someone heard our cries for some photo sharing. We're surprised no one currently does this! It's a great idea and we're sure it'll be implemented perfectly like all the other Microsoft software we've been using lately. We can't wait to share photos on our VIDEO GAME CONSOLE.

Music sharing. FINALLY. Looks like someone heard our cries for some music sharing. We're surprised no one currently does this! It's a great idea and we're sure it'll be implemented perfectly like all the other Microsoft software we've been using lately. We can't wait to share music on our VIDEO GAME CONSOLE.

We're gonna be DJ's!!! DJ platform, here we come! PARTY PEOPLE WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE INSIDE THE HOUSE! The world's running on DJ fumes, we're so desperate for DJ's! Sign us up for this new Virtual DJ thing that we can't see being implemented! *SCRITCHY SCRATCH* Ha ha.

Wait! Maybe this means podcasts! *droool*

There's so much more, too. We're all going to be breakdancing and adopting tuner culture for our video game devices and chatting in REAL TIME and rough housing on the couch with girls cheering us on! We wish we could go into a coma until November!

Who Do We Have To Blow?

You know, to get a Wario controller to play video games with and a Mario hat to stash our Nintendo DS in?

If you think us blowing Nintendo executives is gay, you should see the Nintendo Club rainbow styli.

If you can get us bigger, better pictures before Impress Game Watch updates on Monday, we'll make good on our fellating promises.

Who's A Wittle Slime?

We don't know our asshole from our Ragnarok Online, but we'll be rightly damned if this isn't the FUCKING CUTEST MOUSE EVER.

This is the sort of dangerous levels of cuteness that makes us want to take it in hand, bite its face and snap it in two, then ferociously throw the carcass on the ground, smash it with bloodied fists, and shout obscenities into its electronic guts. THIS MEANS WE LIKE IT.

In case you aren't convinced it's actually a mouse, here's proof! It goes on a mousepad!

SO PRECIOUS!!! Look at it sit there on the pad like a good boy!

Some unimportant stuff:
* 800 dpi optical input, 3 buttons with scroll wheel
* 1.2 meter USB cable
* comes with mousepad, some game
* ships in October
* retails for 6090 yen
* manufactured by Hori

*GIGGLE*

Gashapon A Go Go

Even though Viewtiful Joe made us want to crack our face open from the front, dumping the contents of our skull onto the floor, we still really liked it! We just suck at video games. And at times like these, when people are suffering, crass consumerism for plastic shit is more important than ever. THUS...

Agatsuma, maker of fine Pikmin capsule toys, ship six ways of plastic AWESOME this October. We don't know who's importing, but we intend to find out!

Mr. Mizuguchi-san, Sir?

Our video game hero Tetsuya Mizuguchi will be on IRC tomorrow morning chatting with a bunch of Europeans who are only NOW getting to play Lumines, which we grew tired of so many months ago after becoming really really great at it. We've never used IRC before, so we decided to get a place in line early and familiarize ourself with the technology.

Here's us!

Pretty neat! We figure this is like most Miz puzzle games and that we'll "get it" soon. We'll be hanging out in the channel until Miz shows up thinking of great questions to ask him. So far, here's what we have:

1. "Do you remember that time in Rez when you turned into the baby and you shot the guy made up of cubes and the music was really good?"
2. "Did you think our update about the Game Boy lodged in someone's rectum was funny? Not at all?"
3. "..." (This is the sound of our fingers nervously hovering above the keyboard for the duration of Miz's participation in the IRC channel while we curse self-esteem under our breath and sweat profusely)

Have any questions of your own for Miz? Let us know and we'll be sure to pass them along!

One More Game Boy Micro Size Comparison Pic Before The Weekend

Just in case you were on the fence about pre-ordering and didn't realize how small and cute and STYLISH and HIP it is!

Sorry. We really tried hard not to post this. :( There's obviously a reason why people get paid to do this sort of thing and we don't.

(If you thought that Photoshop "joke" was horrible, you should've seen the one we WANTED to post earlier. It was one about this PSP UMD being released in Japan which we don't know the name of.

But anyway, the "joke" is that because it's Japanese and it's a UMD release and they have UMD porn and you'd expect this innocuous looking screenshot to just be a game of paper-rock-scissors and the translation had the word "FIST" in it ... well, we think it was a smart choice not to run with it.)

Have a great weekend!