Geek on Stun

The Geek On Stun 2005 Video Game Awards

And we just barely got it in! Picking favorites isn't one of our strengths, so we wound up with a five-way tie for Game of the Year.

Game of the Year!!!

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan
Don't interpret this as some elitist asshole videogame nerd posturing, Ouendan IS STILL THE BEST GAME FOR THE NINTENDO DS and you should own it. You don't have to be a gaming snob and turn up your nose at domestic releases to appreciate this INSTANT CLASSIC. You just have to like FUN. You like FUN, right? BUT! If you're interested in the nerd posturing, import a copy NOW and brag to your sexless friends.

Game of the Year!!!

Lumines
It's like riding on a space ship to a fantasy world where dance music is never annoying and you can go to a good alien club and do safe alien drugs. It's different from the regular clubs we go to because no one throws a drink in your face and refuses to dance with you. Your eyes burn like fire when you don't close them for the last half hour of every game and you totally *do* feel the music in your soul. We just started playing this again seriously and confirmed that we're still totally gay for Tetsuya Mizuguchi!!!

Game of the Year!!!

Shadow of the Colossus
You'll probably read about some internet personalities pissing about how THIS GAME IS OVERRATED because the frame rate is always in the basement, but these people are missing the point. It's not for everyone, though. This is a game for people with souls -- not empty blackness in their hearts.

It's one of those intelligent artsy things that we are really hesitant to say anything about because we don't really care for highbrow talk like that. And while we would never admit to tearing up because of a video game, IF WE DID it might be this one. THAT IS NOT AN ADMISSION.

Game of the Year!!!

Resident Evil 4
You shoot old zombie ladies in the face because they are bearing down on you with chainsaws. You fire rockets at crazed religious folk and it makes the best explosions. This is the REAL game of the year, but it's so traditional and so obvious that we had to include all the others.

Game of the Year!!!

Advance Wars: Dual Strike
The main character says things like "dropped harder than a phat beat" and "owned" but that doesn't mean we couldn't get past that and spend a solid 60 hours on the second best game for the Nintendo DS. We're thankful that Nintendo did not make this a Wi-Fi Connection game, because we'd be nothing but a shriveled, unwashed husk, blowing the Starbucks manager for wireless internet access. We STILL play this game all the time (mostly because we're trying to unlock Nell's second outfit which we PRAY is more revealing).

Best Smile Under Difficult Circumstances

Takashi Iizuka of Sonic Team
Those cheek muscles look like they could rend the sun in two. The physical conditioning and mental willpower here is JUST ASTOUNDING. We'll never see another hollow smile like this ever again as long as we live.

Best Game From 2004 That We Didn't Play Until 2005

Ninja Gaiden
Despite the fact that Itagaki is really scary to look at, and he likes to put giant tits on CATS, and that we *own* Dead Or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball [:( - ed.] we STILL have to respect him for Ninja Gaiden. It is AMAZING. And even though we're still only fighting the tank after six months because we're so bad at videogames, we still LIKE Ninja Gaiden.

Game From 2005 That We Haven't Gotten Around To Quite Yet, But Will Definitely Make An Effort To Soon

Whatever Maria Sharapova Is Playing
Actually, you can't see it from here, but she's playing Virtua Tennis: World Tour and we just got it for Christmas. So in order for us to something in common with Maria, we're REALLY going to make an effort to update our PSP software to 1.52 so we can play Virtua Tennis instead of more Lumines.

That's it. We can't think of any other games we really liked that much, but we'll admit to not having played most of what we bought. We'll be sitting in our apartment drinking and crying listening to Morrissey records all night, but if we get around to any other games in the next 6 hours, we'll update this list.

Happy new year.

Final Fight Streetwise - Not Cancelled! Not A Joke!

UNALTERED SCREENSHOT!!!

Yes, we WOULD quite prefer Andore Jr. in a red leopard print tank top, thank you.

We swear we didn't Photoshop any of those awful words on there or apply that green screen overlay to fool you into thinking it was this ugly by design. OH! That "RESPECT UP" arrow is *supposed* to be there. THIS IS ALL INTENTIONAL AND WITHOUT IRONY.

Please dissolve Capcom Studio 8 before someone in the marketing department forces some PROBABLY VERY NICE PEOPLE to work on:

• Section G featuring G-Unit
• Strider 3: Shivin' Fools
• Buster Bros Stay Strapped
• Pnickies: Pnicky, Motherfucker
• Chiki Chiki Boyz In The Hood
• Forgotten Worlds: Bout Dem Zenny
• Marc Ecko's Magic Sword

In Depth Analysis: Why Microsoft Will Never NEVER Win Over Japan

Because the Japanese don't want "lounges" and internet buddy trash talking, they just want to look at a pretty girl and a man in a horse suit -- in a tuxedo.

It's quite serious, this business.

And they're REALLY INTERESTED in what pretty girls and men in horse suits have to say about Sega's online horse training simulations.

Can't quite see your ankles, dear. Just a bit higher.

But they'll keep trying. They'll keep sinking BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of dollars into wrist bands to raise awareness about Joanna Dark's breast cancer scare. They'll keep the tiny Japanese Xbox fanbase well-stocked with Dead or Alive fuck-pillows. They'll have Itagaki on their side, slowly melting, spitting venom at journalists who say "Tekken" within earshot.

But Japan will just play Derby Owners Club Online and that will be that.

Our Christmas Wish

Besides the big television and not to come home to total silence and darkness and loneliness all we're hoping for are some accessories for our Nintendo DS! Like, say, these very fashionable leather cases!

This is so US. We'll have to take all five! The first one will go with our painfully HIP Swedish designer scarf and hat and our VERY CHIC zip-up when we want to look cool and urban and take our DS outside. And the next one over will be aces for when we wear our more UPSCALE Italian designer scarf and gloves with something black for more formal socializing and take our DS outside. And the next one over will be for... well, for holding onto, because it's got some pink in it and thats for girls and gays. And the next one over will be for when we go clubbing or to an important business meeting and take our DS outside. And the last one will be for when we want to go out and look "dark" but "approachable" and need to take our DS outside.

OH! And these game cases! *giggle*

Who WOULDN'T want these? What's so great about these is that they're like little DSes and little ANYTHING is super *cute*! We love it when there's a little thing that looks like a big thing that stores the thing you put in the bigger thing! Haha.

This is going to be the happiest Christmas ever! (IF WE GET THIS STUFF. OTHERWISE WE'RE GETTING OURSELVES FATAL ALCOHOL POISONING AS OUR *BIG* GIFT.)

New Round of Kasumis Deployed To Japanese Sculpture Enthusiasts

It must mean that everyone who ordered the previous Kasumi doll is bored with the old pose. This one is good for people who like their ninja girls on their knees -- and with really THICK THIGHS.

However, with this one, and we're SURE this is a mistake with the paint job, but it looks like you can see through parts of the costume. Awful. That CAN'T be intentional.

We expect the manufacturer to issue a hasty, embarrassed recall on this batch when the fans GO BALLISTIC over the lack of quality control!

More photos and what we assume to be a scathing editorial on this shameful production error at BEAST.

We're Not Going To Make Fun Of Xbox 360 Again

Because Microsoft of Japan clearly GETS IT now. And by IT, we mean the Japanese games market.

Peter Moore, who is Xbox vice president of something or other, and did something at Sega when the Dreamcast was the best console ever, said of the lucky purchaser photographed: "I'd like to tell our lucky winner that he's guaranteed a girlfriend with every Xbox 360."

BRILLIANT.

He's got four by now, surely.

Korean Spokesmodels Lie To You About How Tuner Culture Will Make You More Special

Xbox marketing is the SAME in Korea -- which we assume is SOUTH/GOOD Korea.

"Your husband who never touches you since the baby came would smile again and won't leave you if you just get this for him."

The message is: Everyone is "special" and an "individual" and needs to "express themselves" by making their videogame console "unique" by "customizing" it to match their "digital entertainment lifestyle" and their "distinct" "personality" so they can be the "envy" of their "buddies".

IT'S TOTALLY TRUE. WE'RE JUST JEALOUS.

We're SO Solid Right Now

We think we finally GET the Metal Gear Acid series! The first game apparently a postmodern STATEMENT on boring us to near-suicide, while the sequel will be about looking at tits in 3D*!

*All pictures simulated and FOR CHILD MOLESTERS. Cross your eyes a bit and these might look a little 3D.

That's the lovely Natsume Sano, "star" of (the) Metal Gear Ac!d 2 (wanking card) and Red Dead Revolver spokesmodel.

Kojima and company won't leave barnyard furry fetishists behind for METAL GEAR AC!D 2!!

*HUFF HUFF HUFF*

Supposedly they'll still have some card mini-game that lasts about 20 hours and probably has Snake and some stealth or something.

Some Virtua Fighter 5 Screens In Case The Previous Post Doesn't *Quite* Get The Job Done

Because the one girl on the right had just a little bit of a soft flank and the one on the left had a little discoloration below her navel. Plus they're MODELS and even though we've never spoken to a model, we bet they'd brush us off or they'd do hard drugs in front of us in real life.

But not Sarah. We bet she's *really* nice and lives a clean lifestyle!

And she's so fit! We also bet she doesn't mind a bit of scrawniness combined with a soft gut. And that she likes Animal Crossing and staying in to watch TV shows on the computer! <3

PSP Game Probably Announced

Or maybe it was just released. We don't really know, because it didn't look like the kind of thing we wanted to try and figure out with the Excite translator.

We lost interest in figuring out this story from Impress Game Watch because it's about sports and we started focusing on the girls bottoms and realized that there's a bit of a boxing glove fetish rolling around in our brain.

We were really just making sure we held onto this image for later tonight when we're ready for bed. Even though there's a man in it, that doesn't really bother us. He's way older and more liver-spotted than us, so we won't lose our concentration and feel bad about our body and can finish earlier.

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