Geek on Stun

We're Ready For A Girlfriend Now

Ha ha. Okay, girls of the world, joke's over now. You can stop avoiding eye contact with us right after this update! We "get" it.

OKAY? PLEASE?

*sigh*

We don't ask for much. We just want SOMEONE with whom we could exchange Onimusha rings!

And around whom we could feel comfortable sporting an Onimusha necklace! She should think this is really cool and, whenever visible, should initiate lots of sex that won't interfere with our gameplaying.

AND SHE SHOULD WRITE POETRY WITH US AND LISTEN TO BAUHUAS AND GO TO ANIME CONVENTIONS BUT NOT BE DOUGHY AND *HATE* DRAGONBALL.

CORRECTION: Who Could Be Angry At A Time Like This?!

When super *CUTE* (;D - ed.) Loco Roco screenshots have been released! We only hate that one person now! Ha ha. That whole 50 Cent: Bulletproof thing was an overreaction, definitely!

LOOK HOW GREAT IT IS! A pretty flower! Hee hee! :D

Oh! HO HO! Sleepy-eyed owl friends, hello! *GIGGLE* And blue trees are a great idea!!!

WOTS THIS THEN?! HI THERE, NEW PINK FRIEND!

Looks a bit like a dog boner! BUT CUTER. *WINK @ U MR. DOG BONER* MAN! We wish all dog boners had little delighted faces on them!

Say, maybe that's a bit racist... OH WHATEVER! HA HA HA HA! We're so glad to have brought home the bottle of wine! BURP! Ha ha!

OH EARTH! Don't be sad! Not when you're so adorable! Where'd we leave that last Vicodin?! We want this happiness to last ALL NIGHT! *POP*

Earth, you are so sleepy. We should go to bed too. Goodnight, Loco Roco screenshots! ZZZZZZZ!!!

Our Break-Through "Hate" Feeling Reaches More Than One Million Humans in U.K. and North America!

We're up to (at least) 1,000,001!

50 Cent: Bulletproof Becomes a Blockbuster Hit at Retail
Break-Through Music Fusion Game Sells-Through More Than One Million Units in U.K. and North America

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 24 -- Vivendi Universal Games (VU Games) today announced that 50 Cent: Bulletproof, the hit title created in collaboration with hip-hop music sensation 50 Cent, has sold through more than one million units. Since its global launch in late-November, 50 Cent: Bulletproof has been in high-demand at retail stores in the U.S. and U.K.

"The exciting convergence of gaming and music helped make 50 Cent: Bulletproof one of GameStop's top selling titles in the month of December," said Bob McKenzie, Sr. Vice President of Merchandising.

50 Cent: Bulletproof boasts over four CDs worth of music including new exclusive music by 50 Cent, more than a dozen music videos and tons of bonus features. It is available for the PlayStation®2 computer entertainment system and Xbox® video game and entertainment system from Microsoft.

"Gamers and 50 fans alike have enthusiastically responded to the groundbreaking fusion of frenetic gameplay and the lyrical imagery of the exclusive 50 Cent music tracks in 50 Cent: Bulletproof," said Cindy Cook, Chief Strategy and Marketing Officer, VU Games. "The strong sales of Bulletproof underscore the undeniable appeal of the artist, his music and the engaging interactive experience that this game delivers."

About 50 Cent: Bulletproof

In 50 Cent: Bulletproof, 50 gets caught in a web of corruption, double-crosses and shady deals that lead him on a bloody path through New York's underworld. Backed-up by his G-Unit soldiers, the streets heat up as 50 Cent takes on the most dangerous crime families in the city. Players assume the role of 50 Cent in a fictitious story, where they will use an arsenal of tactics including more than 25 dramatic counter-kill moves, evasive rolls and mobile cover to stay alive while the bullets fly.

Penned by Emmy® award winner Terry Winter, 50 Cent: Bulletproof stars an unprecedented line-up of the hottest recording artists in the music industry today, including 50 Cent and G-Unit's Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck, as well as other hip-hop superstars.

The game also includes exclusive new tracks and remixes from 50 Cent, music from his multi-platinum albums Get Rich or Die Tryin' and The Massacre and over a dozen 50 Cent and G-Unit music videos.

50 Cent: Bulletproof was created in partnership with Interscope Records, Shady Records and Aftermath Records. 50 Cent: Bulletproof will be available for the PSP(TM) (PlayStation®Portable) system in 2006.

Add those million dumb fucks to the one doughy cocksucker we hope gets face cancer and, WELL, FUCK, ARE WE ANGRY AT YOU POPULATION OF EARTH.

Will The Next Generation Be Wankable?

The Uncanny Valley, for MORONS (like us - ed.) who don't know about it, is a really SMART observation by a really SMART Japanese robotocist Dr. Masahiro Mori. He's Japanese and a doctor and a robotocist, so whatever he says is definitely right. Anyway, Mori says that the closer we get to photorealistic recreations of human being, the creepier it will be.

Other people wrote about it way better than we ever could.

The most important question this theory raises is: WILL NEAR-PHOTOREALISTIC GRAPHICS GET IN THE WAY OF US JERKING OFF TO VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS?

Stolen Dead or Alive 4 screen captures will help us figure it out!

OKAY WE'RE GOOD SO FAR. WE LIKE THIS NAUGHTY PEEK.

And those obvious polygonal thighs we're okay with.

OH NO TINA! YOU FELL DOWN AND WE SAW MORE THAN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO.

SUCH A GREAT SEXY STORY.

Still no problems yet! We'll definitely finish.

WAIT.

ERR.

A bit too much like a diaper in that one. It's okay, we'll soldier on!

YES!! THATS OUR FAVORITE PART.

OH MAN. Our crushing fetish!! We're almost done and thank god because our wrist is KILLING US...

...from all the typing.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK. ????.

HOW'D ITAGAKI GET IN HERE.

There's no saving this session now. :(

OK. MAYBE.

Double shot! That's good. Yes, keep fighting.

Wait.

What IS that? Kasumi... what.

Is that ... what IS THAT?!

It's ruined. :( Now we're tired. Too tired. We hate you, Next-Generation Video Games.

TO BE CONTINUED WITH RUMBLE ROSES XX SCREENSHOTS...

WHAT? We're Buying Tetris Again?!

And this time with pleasure! :D

'Cause it's got Mario in it! And you can move the blocks around with the stylus which we'll NEVER EVER DO! Now it doesn't just have Mario in it, because it's not MARIO TETRIS (but this is a GREAT IDEA), but simply Tetris DS. And now that the lovely people at Nintendo have wrestled the license from those horrible horrible ogres at THQ, everything is great! The benevolent Nintendo folk who really aren't in this for the money, but for the spreading of FUN are bringing the best puzzle game of ALL TIME (Not including Lumines and Tetris Attack of course (And we just mean the Super Nintendo version, not Pokemon Puzzle League (But the Game Boy Color one was okay, we guess (Now, we really only DID played it this one time at a Waffle House with Mssrs. Amigarad and Turbeaux (Are we really using their online nicknames? (Or was that a Perkins? Can one of you refresh that memory? Send us an e-mail.)))))) back to its Nintendo handheld GLORY!

It's going to be so good! When we look at the screen, not only will we be reminded just how AMAZING we are at Tetris (as far as we know -- we've never really seen anyone else play) but how much we LOVE NINTENDO because it's got Metroid themes and Mario Bros. themes and probably more great Nintendo THEMES!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! We're about to burst with glee!! You can play it online against other people! That'll be us, ha ha, the one without the "LOSE" over our puzzle and we'll just keep delaying the game for everyone else by being so good. They'll be dropping out, unplugging their wireless routers as we casually get awesome high scores! Man, this is the best! We already feel that Tetris Joy just thinking about it.

And look how humble they are about the whole thing!

DID YOU KNOW? TOUCH-CONTROLLED, WI-FI-READY TETRIS DS FALLS INTO PLACE ON MARCH 20

The long blue bar. The yellow block. And those darn zigzag things whose images stay on your brain. These familiar Tetris shapes started a generation of video game fans. Now Nintendo is putting a new spin on the classic with Tetris® DS, available March 20 exclusively for Nintendo DS™, which incorporates the use of Nintendo® Wi-Fi Connection, Nintendo's wireless gaming service.

Hard-core and casual gamers alike became obsessed with the original. Tetris DS builds on that emotional attachment by combining the original game with new types of game play that could only be possible on Nintendo DS.

Each of the six modes of play features a theme based on a classic Nintendo game, such as Super Mario Bros.®, The Legend of Zelda® or Metroid®. The traditional Tetriminos (falling blocks) and line-clearing strategy remain the staples of the game, but the touch screen adds a new element of interactivity.

Some modes give players special Tetris puzzles to solve. Others feature head-to-head action between two players, or massive wireless battles between 10 DS users, even if only one player has a game card. Players also can log onto Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection to compete in two- or four-player battles. Tetris DS even includes a point-based rating system based on players' battle results. Opponents can see one another's ratings, which indicate their skill levels.

Every gamer, whether competitive or casual, will find a way to reconnect with one of the most popular puzzle games in history.

TOTAL CLASS.

OH AND did you see that Boo item up there? It's probably some great little aspect they've added to the game that reminds us of the Boos from Super Mario World which we really, no really, did laugh out loud at when we saw them for the first time.

Ha ha, everything is so much better now. This isn't the alcohol talking, really. We're really happy about this. Genuinely. So what if we've had a few? What, we're not ALLOWED to drink at home alone on a Wednesday night because we had a hard day at work and were really depressed all day for various reasons?

Oh boy! We can't wait until April when this comes out! What? March 20th? EVEN BETTER! :D REALLY. WE MEAN IT :D.

The Geek On Stun 2005 Video Game T-Shirt Awards

We actually spend way more on t-shirts every year than we do on videogames. HOW SAD IS THAT?! We're going to look back from our destitute retirement and/or sleepless nights wondering how we'll pay for our childrens tuition and continue to LAUGH at our carefree spending! Ha ha.

(We really have a good excuse for not publishing this in 2005! We only thought of it on Sunday and were too lazy to write it properly until just right now. Regrettably, most of these items are only for sale in Japan, but that's more of a problem with lowest common denominator American culture and nerd fashion cluelessness than anything else.)

On with the "awards"!

Bokosuka Wars

by Syuriken for Mars 16

It's the worst-game to best-shirt irony that makes us love this Syuriken effort. The back is also delightfully desaturated and morbid, like almost everything that the group does. Bravo, Syuriken!

Fantastic Adventure

by Editmode for The King of Games

Eight patterns, two screening options and two fabric options mean... thirty... two (?)... maybe... versions of this 20th anniversary Super Mario Bros. t-shirt by Editmode. They sold out far too quickly for us to get one. :( We won't make that mistake again when that Game & Watch "Ball" tee ships!

Bomb Crag from Dragon Quest

by Mustone for Beams

There were like *8* amazing Dragon Quest shirts in this line (including another brilliant Mustone dragon effort), but Bomb Crag just has something special. We're still not sure how they pulled this one off but we know we'd kill a human to get one. We're serious.

Feeling

by Keita Takahashi and Cabel for Panic

Kudos to Panic for not only giving us Westerners something actually WEARABLE, but for keeping that ornery Takahashi in check. He thinks he's SO COOL. "Feeling" is notable for its off-beat, semi-recognizable Katamari reference and total lack of comedy.

Megante from Dragon Quest

by Polygraph for Beams

We almost gave spot number five to the Metal Gear Solid 3 tee box set from Beams, but couldn't find a good picture of it. So Megante wins! Its tasteful use of pixel-art by Nyon Nyon and beautiful color choices should've been enough, though.

If you'd like to send us samples of your t-shirts for future judging, just let us know! We give everything we get for free a GREAT REVIEW!