Geek on Stun

Cosplay Do

This is some horrible combination of things that normally turn us off so much that when all brought together make us violently horny. We hate overalls, we aren't into chubby girls, gender switching does nothing for us, and despite what some might think, we have never fantasized sexually about Mario or Luigi (or Princess Toadstool for that matter). What makes this extra hot is that you know 11 months out of the year, these girls are Japanese-girl thin, but for Comiket they bulk up, feeding on a steady diet of crepes and sweet bean paste buns to get to their Mario & Luigi "target weight". While American cosplay kids (and adults who should really know better) are just soft and pudgy by accident, these girls train for fatness like its a Bizarro world marathon.

You Lost Us At "Epic Trilogy"

We're really don't dislike Silicon Knights thickset Denis Dyack, as we'd really just found out who he is when we read this, but we're positive he's not as big as a prick as Murray Whyte, entertainment reporter, makes him out to be. If he were this pretentious and annoying in real life as he comes across in print, it would be totally ironic because he makes video games and this article makes him seem like the kind of person who DOESN'T EVEN OWN A TV AND WILL TELL US EVERY SINGLE CHANCE THEY CAN THAT THEY DON'T.

Other things we find ironic are that Murray Whyte, entertainment reporter, gets paid to write, we assume, and has an editor, we assume, who gets paid to edit and can't get facts straight. Because even though we're huge dorks with zero social life, we know that Hideo Kojima and Shigeru Miyamoto were not the "legendary founders" of Nintendo and we know those bits for FREE. Additional things we know for free are that "the dominant game system in the mid-'90s" was NOT Nintendo unless you're talking about the Game Boy, and that none of Silicon Knights games were "heady stuff for a nascent medium, well beyond its technology and adolescent audience". We know this latter part because 1. FUCK YOU, 2. Eternal Darkness was JUST good and 3. you were just a cover band for Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.

But like we said, we're not mad at Denis Dyack or Silicon Knights, we're mad at Murray Whyte, entertainment reporter. We might be ... slightly ANNOYED with Denis. When someone name drops Peter Drucker's Post-Capitalist Society and Socrates and Nietzsche and when one of those drops is in reference to a banjo enthusiast who's earlier work is implied to be comparable to with the teachings of ancient Greek philosophers and not a game where you jump over barrels and whack fireballs with a hammer, we get a general feeling of "unease".

We're going to give Denis "I'm a big fan of Aristotle's Poetics" Dyack the benefit of the doubt, because even simpletons like us have been quoted in things and we ALWAYS sound like assholes unintentionally. He may have said a MILLION things like "I like bacon" and "Sky color pretty" and "I'm a big fan of Tetris Attack" which would have only endeared him to us, amid all these other high fallutin' quotes.

A couple other things that MIGHT get on our nerves are not-joking uses of the term "paradigm shift" and the implication that the one game that the "non-gaming public who still see the medium as fringe, juvenile or just plain strange" just happens to be a science fiction game where you [CUE LATERAL LISP] use your cybernetic implants and lightning swords and machine guns and karate kicks to kill robots!

Maybe we're just annoyed in general by overblown trilogies and self-reflective philosophical bullshit that we'll skip anyway if given the opportunity. MAYBE WE JUST WANT GRADIUS VI TO NOT BE CANCELLED. Maybe we're just too dumb to appreciate fine aht. But we're CERTAIN that this article will only grow more and more embarassing as time goes on, especially if Too Human doesn't live up to its REVOLUTIONARY BLOCKBUSTER DESTINY. But good luck with all that!

Finally! A Use For The Sun!

Solar powered Super Mario Bros. mushrooms that bob back and forth and back and forth ad infinitum!

Of all the things we've said we definitely needed in the past this is definitely DEFINITELY the most needed of them all! And we're definitely getting both the "A" and "B" versions and keeping them in the sun and spending all our future Saturdays and Sundays looking at them being adorable!

UPDATE: HEY, WE DON'T KNOW. This thing won't be out until September of this year, courtesy of Banpresto. No retailer we're aware of is currently taking pre-orders, but we'll let you know when we know, y'know?

Liveblogging The Nintendo Game Developers Conference Keynote

Satoru Iwata's speech is going on right now! We're not there, but we're going to be checking Web sites really fast to find out as much as we can about Nintendo! We also started a bit late on this, so we're really behind.

1:30 PM Satoru Iwata theoretically takes stage. Probably will talk about boring Nintendogs and Brain Training and how much that sold. Glad we skipped this part.

1:39 PM Went for a glass of water. Had idea to do this update. Talked it over with co-worker.

1:44 PM Opened up Gamedaily and Eurogamer. We'll get to these later.

2:09 PM Checked Kotaku. Not much of interest there.

2:13 PM Went to Gaming-Age Forums. Forum fails to respond. Wait! It's back. Clicked on thread. Down again.

2:14 PM Posted some things with earlier time stamps that would lead one to believe we'd thought of this hours ago instead of ten minutes into speech.

2:18 PM Gaming-Age Forum comes back!

2:21 PM Checked Kotaku again.

2:23 PM Checked Eurogamer. Read that bit about Brain Training.

2:26 PM Checked Kotaku again.

Around 2:30 PM not really sure Read this press release about Turbografx and Genesis games and felt momentarily happy for the first time in months because we really really liked Legendary Axe and Military Madness.

2:41 PM Gaming-Age Forums down again. Iwata presumably saying something good.

2:45 PM Check Kotaku. Check Eurogamer. Check Gamedaily.

2:49 PM Not much activity. Our servers continue to hold up during strain of spam pings and comments.

2:57 PM See pictures of Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass but they are just a bit hard to make out.

3:00 PM Conference ends probably around this time which is a good thing as we really need to do some work. Also, this idea wore thin rather quick.

Our Review Of The New Xbox 360 T-Shirts

This is what they look like.

We kind of hate almost everything Xbox-brand related so we have to start off disliking this. But its Beams and we like almost everything they do. However, this only helps to "dilute the brand" in regard to Beams, so we have to hate that. We can't wear pink clothes because we're so pale, so another bad mark there. And that green -- it doesn't look so good on mealy white skin like ours. Plus, that foil print makes just about everyone look like a cock.

But we suppose they're really for the Japanese and they can wear anything they want and it always looks cute. We really just felt obligated to write about it because we like Beams and t-shirts.

So: C-

Review of this update: D

We Want You To "Finish Us Off" With Your Hair Hands

This is for *US*. Someone created this game with OUR specific unrealistic expectations for women and how they should dress. Then they went the extra step!

We TOTALLY have had this fantasy of being wanked off by a pair of pigtails worn by a doe-eyed anime girl in a latex nun outfit. It's from Capcom's Black Cat, which we assume is from some horrible anime or manga (it's all horrible - ed.) meaning we'll never play it.

But we'll DEFINITELY be "using" this before bed tonight.

Our Newest Addition

We haven't been updating much lately, but when you find out why, hopefully you'll forgive us. The two people who read this site and the thousands of penis enlargement well-wishers who care deeply about us will be happy to know that we're now proud parents! Yes, it's true! We've been pre-occupied by our new baby! And we SWORE we'd never do this personal "BLOG" shit again after crying our way through Mario Kart DS, but please... INDULGE US!

Our sweet little guy was born on March 15th, and we took him home the following Saturday. Our UMD and the portly Asian Electronics Boutique employee who can barely grunt out two words to us with each painfully awkward transaction are both doing FINE! Here's a picture of us holding our new pride and JOY!

So cute! He has his father's eye preference, based on watching lots of Robotech as a child! Seeing those giant misshapen orbs would probably repulse us in real life, but as a cartoon? PRECIOUS!!

Little Mega Man Powered Up is now at home and we are just BEAMING! Every dad out there surely thinks their little boy is just an ANGEL from heaven, but we really geniunely feel this. Sure, Mega Man Powered Up may keep us up until 4 in the morning replaying the same GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING Cutman Challenge over and over and over and over again until we want to hurl our $250 investment against the radiator, but one look at those precious BIG BLUE EYES and we just melt!

Look! He thinks he's Elecman! This is the kind of behavior that would normally make us PUKE but we can't deny this cuteness!

And yes, there are the usual downers: soiled diapers (we're a bit lazy and sometimes don't feel like actually making it to the toilet), the constant crying (mostly from drinking full bottles of wine and playing our PSP on a Friday night instead of talking to girls), and the total exhaustion (primarily due to having weak forearms and being used to our toy-like Nintendo DS). But it's totally worth it!

This is our opportunity to be totally unrealistic about our expectations for our child and push him to overachieve and never satisfy us! Oh. And who's a widdle wobot boy?! WHO?! You are, Mega Man!

We are just totally destroyed every time we power up (OMG PUN NOT INTENDED REALLY) our PSP and quickly turn down the volume on the train and see the bright face of our LCD screen, stuck pixels and all, looking back at us with pure innocence! There are really no words that can accurately describe what its like to look into this little tyke's DISTORTED WET EYEBALLS and describe how small it makes one feel.

You'll know what it's like when YOU have kids.

We Feel Awful For Celebrities

We're just like you! Just because we write like there are a bunch of us "on staff" and that we know our opinions about games are better than yours and we dress better than you and look down on you pudgy nerd types who like to brand yourselves "hardcore" doesn't mean we can't relate! We totally know the depths of you and often feel your "pain". And even then, when we think something pompous like and put in on our Web site, we feel deep shame and ask ourselves rhetorically "I wonder why you don't have any friends". Just like you!

And when we see vacuous slags sporting free Gamecubes and Xbox 360s we get a bit riled up, just like you! But who can be angry at poor Tilda Swinton, star of some fairy movie for children?

Look how terrified she is! Held politely hostage by overenthusiastic Japanese representatives from D3. They want to show her a game!

Oh no! They've given her a Dual Shock. When people from the games industry try to talk about how games are EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE plays them and WOMEN ARE GAMERS TOO we will remember this photo as evidence that no one plays games but teenage boys and us. We also believe that based on this photo alone, the Nintendo remote control games console will be A HUGE SUCCESS WITH TILDA SWINTON.

Goodness! You'd think that controller was a freshly shat log given to her by a mentally retarded homeless man and she's doing her best to humor him until he's carried away. But we think she's from the UK and they like to act polite as well.

Finally! She's been relieved of the controller! We'll never ever again find it suspect when actors and actresses say things like "Oh, I'd really like to be doing theatre!" because we FINALLY GET IT NOW.