Geek on Stun

Stop With The Pikachu All The Time

Look, we KNOW society puts too much emphasis on physical appearance and sex. The pressure to "fit in" can be enormous. But, seriously, it's time to take off the Pikachu costume. Sex actually feels really good and you can learn things from girls about how to dress and fix your hair and appreciate things like film, music, dance, cooking, travelling and loads more that isn't about Pokemon.

The other thing is that you're really bad at this. Stop with the Pikachu all the time, okay?

A Lesson About Pink Things

We know that some of you might've gotten a little excited about Sony and Nintendo announcing that they'd be bringing out pink colored versions of their portables. If you relate to this, you're either gay or think this might be a good gift for your girlfriend. If you're gay, fabulous. Go for it. We'll know that when you're chatting us up on the train and we spot your pink DS or PSP, that we should tell you quickly about our "girlfriend".

If you've ACTUALLY got a girlfriend, unlike us, don't think that buying one of these for your real life girlfriend who tolerates your gaming habit is going to be happy about this. We bought a girl a Game Boy Advance and Puyo Pop once because we'd been tricked (this is what girls do) into thinking she ACTUALLY LIKED GAMES.

It was the worst mistake we'd ever made! Not only did it start a string of bad girlfriend related investments (see copies of Karaoke Revolution vols. 1-3 and a diamond ring whose dollar figure we'd rather die than disclose) but after it'd all gone to shit, we were stuck with a pink Game Boy. HUMILIATING.

Yes, this site is dumb and only serves to make its handful of readers that much more simple minded, so we'll illustrate our point with a photo we stole from a respectable Japanese press site.

See how boring this is for a girl? See how fooled the man is into thinking everyone would be happy to play Guilty Gear on a PSP? That man is you!

DO NOT SUPPORT PINK CONSOLES, MEN. ARE WE CLEAR?!

Another Post About Sega Phones

We were so excited to find this picture that we did an update about it! Remember when we wrote that thing about Sega making stickers you can put on your electronics? Well, it's here if you forgot.

It's too bad we can't buy stickers that make this post funny or interesting or have tits on it. But we've been drinking (AGAIN) and this is all the effort we're willing to put in tonight.

Sega phones! We hope that these are EVERYWHERE in Japan when we go there or else our trip is RUINED.

GAMES CONVENTION 2006: Okay, Maybe A Handful Of People Bought A Hitman Game

You'd think that since no one buys any Eidos games but the Tomb Raider ones that they'd really start caring about selling more Tomb Raider games. But they clearly DO NOT CARE ABOUT SELLING MORE TOMB RAIDER GAMES. See?

This is a Tomb Raider screenshot quite obviously for the DS. Lara Croft is in this shot somewhere. Trying to find her in this screen will be much more fun than spending thirty-five dollars on this trash and actually playing it to the end.

Does anyone buy DS games that aren't made my Nintendo? They shouldn't. It's bad for the rest of us and encourages things like this.

GAMES CONVENTION 2006: HAHA! Sony Thinks People Will Do This

But they won't! No one will! This is THE DUMBEST IDEA they've ever had.

If it DOES ever happen—WHICH IT WON'T—this is how it will look because there are no games to play on it and the battery is always dead. MAYBE someone will try to charge their battery with the USB thing meaning this will happen, but we bet you can't do that.

A PSP Game We Might Import And Play

It's Simple 2500: The Gal Mahjong. Something like that. All we're sure of is that its "The"-something and that it's about mahjong and tits.

It's got clever box art.

Here are some screenshots that we were too lazy/bad at Photoshop to remove the watermark from.

We just looked it up. Her name is Riho Futaba. There's another girl in it, but she's practically dead at 25 years old so we won't bother posting anything about her. Hopefully we can skip her levels and focus on buying bikinis for girls who haven't hit the wall.

Real life friends, we'll let you know when we get our copy.

It's Nothing But The Best For Us

From now on! We're standing up for ourselves and taking pride in our appearance. And when we wipe down our Nintendo DS, it will be only with the finest licensed wiping cloths!

It's from Hori and they make tons of stuff that we want, but we really really want this one thing. We actually DO care about our image and think maybe, just maybe, this will make us look a little more "together".

This is what it looks like out of the packaging. It's so perfect we might get a second one just to keep laying around our apartment "fresh" as a "conversation piece".

King Of Games Made Another T-Shirt!

And for once, we're the LAST ones to tell you about it! Oh, it's a Zelda one.

Apparently a bunch of other proper news sites are posting about it like its something new. King Of Games is OLD HAT to us, which is only made more pathetic by the fact we're somehow PROUD of knowing about Nintendo t-shirts before other people.

But we don't really care about all that. WE ONLY CARE ABOUT... HER.

We may go on and on about how girls should look this way and that way and that symmetry is important, but that's all for show.

What we really want is a plain underweight retail worker with slightly off-color teeth and a fear of hair brushes. WE MEAN THIS GIRL.

Clearly roomy throught the hips with nothing to speak of upstairs.

In other words EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

We've already stalked her on the internet and know where she works and what her name is. We're going to Tokyo in about a month to go to TGS, so we'll make sure to stalk her in real life.

We'll let you know how that goes.

We Want To Go Back To When The Dreamcast Was All We Had

But we want to remember it through the consumption of material goods!

Like this lovely Dreamcast watch!

We'd never wear this out. We are much too embarrassed about our hobby thats really for teenagers. But like our Space Harrier t-shirt and our King of Games Mario Bros. t-shirt and our NES controller belt buckle but we really really need it. REALLY REALLY BAD.

And we need these stickers! We need them to put on our Nintendo DS and our cellphone (the one that poor people pick out because it's free).

And we need this backpack because it looks like a Saturn. And not the embarrassing failure US version of the Saturn; the Japanese very successful Saturn!

It will be just like our REAL Saturn. It will sit in a closet and will be a bad "investment" because we bought it out of boredom and never played much on it. But we can say things like "Yes, we've got a copy of Burning Rangers AND Shining Force III AND Guardian Heroes" and be smug about those things to other shut-ins who are afraid of girls. Look for this in future message board postings!

AND ONCE WE HAVE ALL THIS STUFF, OUR LIFE IS SURE TO BE FIXED RIGHT UP.